Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
