We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
