Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
