Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
