he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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