My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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