If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
