I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
