you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
did i walk over a car last night?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
