When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
