is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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