she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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