I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
