my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
this boner is exhausting
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
