So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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