Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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