The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
