I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
