i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
