The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
