I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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