The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
