Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
