So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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