Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Your dad touched me again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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