I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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