if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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