I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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