I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
