Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
