Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
