My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
