why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
