So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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