Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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