Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
