she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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