I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
