Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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