Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
