look no pants
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
