Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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