i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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