You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
