He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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