i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
