what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
