If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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