for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
