my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
