He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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